Although once the Washington Post’s tagline, it’s now our country’s foretelling…
I have an intimate relationship with death and dying. I was at the bedside when my husband and both parents took their last breath. I’ve laid on the cold hard floor next to many a beloved dog as I humanely chose to end their suffering. Finally, I’m a certified Advanced Care Planning facilitator (end of life issues).
I should know how to navigate the death of my country. But I am at a loss, literally and figuratively.
In my experience death and dying are best navigated with community support. As my husband and I processed his cancer diagnosis, friends and family were there to carry us forward. We cried together. We wailed at the unfairness of it all. We check in often, offered hugs and tissues without judgement.
When a loved one is nearing the end, there is some solace found in the idea that they are no longer suffering. But what relief can one find when one’s country is in mortal danger? It’s unnerving to wake up each morning and see people going about their day as if everything is fine. I understand many are just trying to get through the day, but I want to scream from the rooftop, WTF! I’ve been told that is unproductive.
Why when a country is actively dying must we mourn alone? Can you imagine if you received this kind of feedback when you articulated your pain and fear of a loved one’s terminal diagnosis.
“Just stop thinking about it.”
“My mental health can’t handle thinking about things like that, so I’d rather not discuss it.”
“Being that angry is really not helpful or healthy.”
“You really should try to get your mind off of it.”
… Or finally, people just avoid you altogether.
This graphic explains the stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. But the reality is more like the photo on the right, chaotic and unpredictable.
I don’t want to alienate those I care about and who care about me. But sadly, I’m starting to relish the loneliness. It’s easier than the false bravado.
I’m desperately trying to find a home in the acceptance stage. What does accepting the death of a country look like? You can’t say, they’re in a better place. There’s no funeral ceremony to ritualize the loss. You can’t go on Match.com and find another country. Is it just… the end?
I’ve always loved this Buddhist story. If one fills their small cup with tears and drinks from the cup alone, they taste only bitterness. On the other hand, if the person pours their cup of tears into a lake and each person drinks from the lake the bitterness is not so overwhelming.
If you’re struggling right now, please know… you are not alone. I pray our country eventually finds it’s collective voice.
